God’s will is that your lives are dedicated to him. This means that you stay away from sexual immorality and learn how to control your own body in a pure and respectable way. Don’t be controlled by your sexual urges like the Gentiles who don’t know God. (“1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 (CEB),” n.d.)
Yes, I’m going there. I can’t not. The Holy Spirit has recently been showing me some very harmful teachings I’ve read about gender differences. He has shown me how they have influenced how I carry my heart in just about all of my relationships with men and women alike. I’ve listened to podcasts, read blogs, studied surveys, and spent time in the Word and prayer, and I will share my heart.
One podcast I listened to discussed, among others, the bestselling Christian book, “Every Man’s Battle,” and can I just say, I was appalled by some of the quotes shared from the text! Lust may not actually be every man’s battle. I’m no man, but if I can (and have) overcome so much with the Lord, I know, without a doubt, that if God can ultimately deliver me, why can I not trust that He can do the same in men? I know I have found that I don’t always fall into the typical stereotypes women are often categorized into. It’s only reasonable to assume some men don’t fit the typical man stereotype, either.
The Lord continues to highlight how vital my identity in Him really is.
When you don’t naturally fall into a general gender stereotype (women are this way, men are that way), sometimes accepting who God actually created you to be can be challenging.
Many of us square pegs in a round hole kind of people sometimes even start to think there’s something wrong with how we were created. Or somehow, we’ve messed up somewhere and are beyond fixing. It’s no wonder why the Lord keeps circling back around to it! My devotional studies have been interesting since I have allowed extra time to tarry in His Presence and let Him lead me in what, at first, looks like a wild goose chase!
One bunny trail after another has led me to find that, buried in the hidden burrows of my heart, lies have kept me back from God’s will for my life: to simply be like Him and with Him. The surprising thing is that tucked away in these burrows, there seem to be scattered pages of false teachings I had, over time, accepted as truth that used one Scripture after another out of context for one purpose: to deceive.
Pieces of truth are like broken-off parts of a rock. Broken-off pieces of rock are sand.
Sandy Scripture isn’t hard to twist and manipulate.
And, as you probably already know, you don’t want to build your house on sand!
Throughout my Christian life, especially early on, I accepted guidance and knowledge from trusted people and now wish I hadn’t. I was too quick to trust best-selling authors, conference speakers, and people who would call themselves “shepherds” or “pastors” who didn’t know the first thing about real Jesus, let alone how to love His people. Who knew it would be in a figurative bunny’s burrow where the Lord would shed His light onto the lies that held me captive, lies that made me believe I would always need to be a better _______.
A better _____. A better wife? Mom? Friend? Woman? I’m beside myself. How have we lost sight of the gospel that sets people free? You know, the one we used to tell people about, the one where we are loved and accepted before we’re perfect? How is it that we are convinced that we (or others) can’t truly be holy as He is? I mean, He not only tells us to, He’s done the work for us to pursue Him as He leads us in paths of righteousness. Why would He ask us to do something and then not show us how? I thought Jesus had enough for me to work on already without me adding extra to what I HAD to be. But sadly, I came to a place where, in my mind, what Jesus was having me work on (usually just 1 thing at a time) became insufficient. It wasn’t long before I felt I was not enough.
If you’ve ever found yourself, like I have, standing before this giant named “Not Good Enough,” you can probably relate to my struggle. In the beginning, you probably thought he was just a big, friendly giant wanting you to “succeed,” but instead of simply shining your light, he’s tricked you into believing you need to PROVE to everyone around you that your light is real. Forgetting that true success is to tend to the fire in our hearts (letting God burn our impurities away to purify us). We then decide to work to fix our bad things so that God (and people) won’t be ashamed of us.
Left alone to our naval gazing, we trim back our identity with our dull pruning devices without ever offering them to the One who knows how to use our weaknesses and personality traits (better than we know ourselves) to burn brightly for Him. Instead of letting the Sword of the Spirit pierce our thoughts and reveal truth, we pick up rusty hammers of condemnation and shame and attempt to beat ourselves, not into submission to God, but into a cookie-cutter idea about what we SHOULD look and act like. God forbid we actually be who He made us to be just because someone else disqualifies us with some twisted, out-of-context scripture. People who don’t fit the mold frequently lose themselves in impossible expectations and give themselves away to someone else’s opinion of what a good Christian life should be. Should be. I really don’t like those words.
Let’s talk about an accepted and familiar lie that needs to be uprooted from our beliefs and thrown into God’s fire. If I, obviously a woman, believe that all men will always have lust in their hearts for the opposite sex, then I will NEVER be able to run with them in ministry, let alone trust them. I would constantly consider if or how I am making them stumble instead of just being free to trust God to work in and through me.
Out of the lie that men were created by God as lustful, we have wounded weaker believers in the body by teaching them that others (who should logically be stronger) are weaker, so they must do this or do that to keep other people from losing control over their actions. As a matter of speaking, we tell them, “Cut yourself down until you fit in our mold. Hammer this square part of your personality into that round hole. It’s bad… You’re bad.”
Consequently, this thinking leads believers to exchange their sensitive alertness to the Spirit of God for a paranoid, hyper-suspicious disposition toward others and a self-critical one toward themselves. (And we wonder why we try to please people so much!)
Y’all, if we don’t trust God to work holiness in others (sanctification), our UNBELIEF positions us to take responsibility for everyone else’s sins, and taking responsibility for what doesn’t belong to you quenches God’s work of holiness in our lives! (We aren’t supposed to do that!)
Who is to say there’s a sin class that can’t be overcome? Didn’t Jesus die so we could be free? Did He not pay the price to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness? If we believe that what Jesus did wasn’t enough, the only concept of freedom we can accept is a false one that turns into a utopian ideal contingent upon “if you would only conform” to the mold. That kind of freedom (which is really bondage), then, is only achieved by trusting in our own ability to cut ourselves to fit in. One thing I’m certain of is that deception contains just enough truth in it to trick us. There is a place in our walk to trim your lamp (prune yourself spiritually) to shine brighter. (Matthew 25)
When we don’t trust the people in our circles to identify sin as sin, repent, and live victoriously free from its grip, we risk taking on responsibility that should belong to them. I have enough to work on with my heart, let alone add to it by holding ourselves accountable for making them choose holiness.
Friends, we can’t repent of someone else’s sin. We can bear their burdens with them; as iron sharpens iron, we can encourage and build others up, but we cannot clean the inside of their cup for them. Sin must be dealt with, not swept under the rug. Could it possibly be that the fruit of living under the influence of such lies enables others to lounge around, comfortable and complacent in their unrepented sin, to polish their whitewashed tombs?
I recently heard some encouraging statistics that claimed most men are being taught that lust IS a sin and that they need to repent and overcome it. Yay! So I asked my husband, yup. It’s true. Lust is a sin. Check, praise God! (I married a fantastic man, btw) However, even though men are being taught it’s a sin, in too many of our circles, women are often told that men will always be helplessly lustful, and it’s our responsibility to do things to keep them from turning into cheating or raping beasts.
You think I’m kidding. I’m not. Our words must never let them feel disrespected or tempted, or most importantly, intimidated by a (gasp!) woman! Not only do we teach others they must stand accountable for their own words, but we must also stand accountable for all men’s feelings. Sure, that makes total sense. Not! What if a man is being abusive and disrespectful to you or not honoring his vows? Most of the time, shame seems to fall on the wife if she calls him out because that may cause him to feel disrespected. “Good” wives don’t do that. But, wait a minute, I thought women were the “feelers” and men were the “thinkers?” It turns out that the statistics are actually fake news, inaccurate overgeneralization, and deceptively inconsistent. How does the world seem to have a better grip on creating a culture of honor than we do?
Ladies, all this is happening right under our husband’s noses! Without them even knowing it! I know because I have seen it. I used to read book after book about how to be an excellent wife, and it CRIPPLED my personal growth for years. These oppressive teachings caused me to enter into what seemed like an endless cycle of striving to achieve holiness. Too many women spend the majority of their lives hyper-focused on not making others around them sin or feel insecure/disrespected. Do women not need to feel respected or secure in who God created them to be?
If sin isn’t a God-given character trait, why do we treat it as such? We need to quit making accommodations for perverted behavior and unbiblical teachings that oppress others. Instead, let’s point people to the cross and dust of the altar. That’s the best way to remove real stumbling blocks from people’s lives. Maybe we should attempt to remove the shame tied to crying out for help and cast off the judgment of, “I can’t believe he/she did…”
There are times in our walk when we are pruned by the Lord. There are seasons to build and tear down. We must ask ourselves, who am I yielding to in this process? Am I yielding to unbelief and fear, or am I surrendering in faith with trust? The answer will tell you which end of your wick you’re trimming. (I’m speaking of the wick representing your life.) Keep cutting the end not given to God’s fire; you’ll have nothing left. You won’t burn for God; you risk burning out altogether. But praise God, even in those moments, He can take the broken pieces of our torn down (even self-inflicted wounds) and turn them into something beautiful. If we would only turn to Him.
Back to the bunny trail… Because women have been so objectified, they are taught that they don’t just present stumbling blocks with their actions but that they, in essence, become stumbling blocks themselves. As a result, women have been further reduced to nearly nothing. Often, you’ll find these beaten down, hopeless women depressed and wondering what happened to the dreams God gave her when she first fell in love with Jesus. Maybe she convinces herself she was wrong then. Perhaps she tries to find comfort in another lie the enemy tells her, that it’s beautiful to forfeit all her dreams when she marries. Oh, and she should be proud of her new purpose: to make her husband great and raise obedient children while being obedient herself.
Why did Jesus flip the tables and call out the hypocrites? He flipped them over because people were getting hurt! People were being hindered from knowing God for themselves. What else is it going to take for us to see the people bleeding out on the ground and shout out, “Enough already!” Let’s start by turning over some tables in our theology that keep us from running into God’s presence with reckless abandon.
If I spend all my thoughts trying to make sure I don’t cause someone else to sin, my eyes won’t ever look up from the ashes of my “badness” to rightly burn for Jesus & fulfill God’s purpose for my life. Women weren’t created with bad, sinful bodies & men weren’t designed as lustful. Suppose a woman is striving to be holy, using her gifts and talents in the church & yielding to the Holy Spirit. Why do we unnecessarily and unrighteously judge her as a stumbling block simply because of the way or shape God created her? Longer shorts will never be long enough to cover the lust of man’s eyes the way Christ’s blood can.
How is assuming all men can’t develop enough self-control on their own to not carry lust in their hearts when a pretty girl enters the room not disrespectful?
How is assuming all women to be incapable of rational, logical thinking not disrespectful?
True freedom is only embraced when we walk in love. I used to fear causing men to stumble so much that I quenched the Holy Spirit from using me. In fear, I used to believe that if any man felt disrespected and I was the one who caused the feeling of offense, I was in the wrong. So, I chose to hold back the gifts God placed in my life so the people I thought were struggling could feel better about themselves. But my actions only allowed pride to gain more ground and God to lose me less.
Women have for too long been taught to disappear, to be quiet, & to remove themselves from the sight of men for fear their “bad bodies” will cause men to have evil thoughts. We will never learn how to run together if we don’t trust God’s ability to lead us on paths of righteousness and holiness. We are capable of being holy because what Christ did was enough.
One could argue it to be pride if you believed you could even be or present a tempting stumbling block. We have gotten too good at arguing and less skilled in repentance. Instead of arguing, let’s learn how to communicate and run together. Avoiding each other and fearing sin isn’t working. God is calling us higher. We’ll never believe in the power of God at work in us, more powerful than darkness, if we live out of a mindset that fears others’ choices instead of rightfully fearing God.
Becoming more one way or less another will never be enough to make another person holy. God alone is capable of that. Think about it this way: If we remove all bad choices from our kids’ lives, fearing their choices, how do we teach them to do what’s right when real choices are never presented to them? And, speaking of raising our children in our culture…
If I tell my 13-year-old daughter to change her clothes because she will cause someone who’s old enough to be her grandpa to sin, I’m the one in the wrong. Hear. Me. Out.
Teach girls to respect & honor God with their bodies & choices, not because we believe it’s normal for an old man to be tempted by the way a child dresses. Pedophilia isn’t normal, it’s not right, & it shouldn’t be expected from the people we place around our families! Gah!!!
You guys, it’s NOT up to a child to prevent a grown adult from pedophilia. THINK ABOUT IT! Which person are we calling the weaker believer? A man who has sat in church for 40 years (who should have been) learning how to take thoughts captive, or a younger girl who is still trying to figure out who God created her to be and has yet to encounter Jesus for herself? Wake up! Should it even matter how old she is? Is she not God’s daughter? We must stop normalizing this destructive pattern of belief. This. Is. Not OK.
Oh, and by the way, there’s a difference between teaching our girls how not to be stumbling blocks and teaching them that they are one.
For the love of God, don’t teach your daughters they were created bad & that they don’t have a safe place to grow in the love of God. Teach them that they are God’s workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good! Teach them He has a plan for their lives. Teach them how to hear the voice of God, study the Bible for themselves, and judge the teachings they hear to the Word in the context it was written in. Teach them not to fear the altar. Teach them not to fear themselves. Teach them Christ would have died just for them. Teach them they are more than something pretty to look at. Teach them lust is not OK.
Really ponder this thought: Am I teaching my kids to fear other’s sinful behaviors more than God?
Friends, we weren’t created to be sinful. We were created to be good. We were created to worship God, reveal Him, and glorify Him! When we learn to separate our God-given character from sin, we will learn how to truly live.
I have placed chains on myself and have resisted the work of the Holy Spirit all because I believed a lie that men are created to be lustful (sinful) and incapable of separating sin from their personhood. But now I’m stepping into truth. Join me & be free.
(Just a note to say that I found several articles and podcasts on the website http://www.tolovehonorandvacuum.com, which were very eye-opening in my studies. Several ideas sparked my thoughts that inspired the writing of today’s blog)
