We’re still in our first month of fostering. We’re newbies. My heart breaks and yet comes alive as I love on the kids that come through our doors. We currently have one foster daughter living with us and I just got back from meeting a DCS worker to pick up a sibling group as an emergency placement. It’s the second emergency placement we’ve taken. Emergency placement (for us) means just a week or so.
I don’t have any doubt in my mind that the Lord took all this time over the last several years to prepare us for this season of our lives. Every bit of revelation, every financial blessing, every foster class we’ve ever taken, it’s all led up to this: dying to ourselves and taking care of the least of these, the ones who have nothing and can give nothing back. I’ll be honest, in my mind I thought it was going to be different. I don’t know how, just different. I didn’t expect so many phone calls, I didn’t expect how God would use every situation to speak to me about who He is. I didn’t expect to see my life with a new set of eyes. I didn’t expect anything, really, and yet here I am, completely heartbroken and alive all at the same time.
It’s got me really thinking about anticipation and expectation. It’s got me really thinking about following the call of God no matter the cost. It’s got me really thinking about how many times we miss opportunities just because we fill our schedules with busyness and our homes with all kinds of things we don’t need. It’s really got me thinking.
We anticipated fostering with each class we took, each paper we signed, every cabinet lock we had to install on the cabinets. We anticipated fostering as we prepared our kids for what was coming (to the best of our ability, anyway). We were looking forward to it and we didn’t even really know what it would be like. We had watched videos that helped portray different lives these kids may have had before coming to our house, we heard stories, we learned about signs to watch for, etc. But as far as expecting the kids to act a certain way, or expecting anything really, well, we didn’t even know what to expect. Still don’t.
The Lord is using all this to teach me about the Kingdom. I want revival. I want it so bad I can taste it, if I only knew what it tasted like! I look forward to seeing God move like I’ve never seen Him move before. But honestly, I don’t really know what to expect. I’m anticipating God pouring out His Spirit on all flesh. I’m anticipating sons and daughters prophesying, the church walking in unity, tongues of fire, healing, miracles, deliverance… I’ve read about other people’s experiences with these things, but I still don’t really know what to expect. I can’t really see it unless He shows it to me and I have to start walking it out in faith for Him to give me a vision of what it will be like.
Just as we had to prepare and get ready for fostering and then start walking it out do we prepare for the Kingdom of God and walk forward in the Spirit by faith. It’s okay not knowing what to expect. He’ll show you as you keep walking. Just keep going forward. Don’t shrink back. Hold onto the revelation He’s given you, don’t let it go, hold on and keep pressing in for more. Keep walking in obedience! Don’t give the enemy back any ground already won! Hold onto that land!
My heart is heartbroken and yet alive. Who knew you could really really die and come alive at the same time? Who knew that those who lose their lives would find it? Who knew that it’s better to give than to receive? Who knew the weight of what all of that really means, anyway? You think you know, then you die a little more. A little more. Then a little more. It feels like you’re down to ashes and think you have nothing left to give God then He comes along and says, “Hey, look, there are some ashes. Now those I can work with!”
I’ve given my life over to God to consume all of me. I have offered myself as a living sacrifice. My life is not my own anymore. And now that that is settled, I’m seeing things I haven’t seen for a long time. I’m seeing the world. I’m seeing broken people, hurting people, trapped people, lonely people, hopeless people, real people. But I’m also seeing the Church stepping out with great beauty. I honestly haven’t seen the world like this for a long time. Maybe I wasn’t ready for it before. Maybe a lot of things, but here I am, pressing forward. Like these kids who came to me with nothing do we come to the Father with nothing. He doesn’t expect us to have our stuff together, He doesn’t expect us to right away act contrary to everything we’ve ever heard was good. He takes our hand and little by little we walk through this together with him. We’re not alone.
The other day I asked one of the kids if they wanted to help me make dinner. They were really excited so I told them they could measure the rice and water for our meal. As I am cutting up veggies I turn around and the child I asked to help had in her hand a yard stick. A yard stick to measure rice. I told her we don’t use those and she came back with a tape measure. I went on to show her how to measure with measuring cups but this incident kept coming up in my mind. We think that life should be measured one way. We think our works are good enough, we think our lives are good enough, our prayer time, we think… insert ____ here…is good enough, but the truth is, we’re measuring with the wrong measurements. We try to use yard sticks and tape measures when God, in all of His wisdom, sees things we don’t.
We must go to Him to buy oil. We can stir up hunger in each other, but we can’t pay for each other’s oil. We must go to Him to understand, to have wisdom. There’s a whole world out there who needs to be loved. They need the hands and feet of Jesus. They need friends, family, acceptance, forgiveness. If we’re not seeing the world, we’ll never change it. We can’t hide our lamp, we must set it on a hill. Whatever that looks like. Whatever the cost.
What is He calling You to? Have you died fully to yourself so that you may live fully unto Him? Let’s see just how far He’s willing to let us go! Lower still, friends, lower still.
