I’m so excited to welcome our guest author, Avery Quick, as she shares her testimony with all of us! Avery married into the crazy Irvin side of our family and fits right in. She’s a talented artist, a loving mom and wife, and has become a dear friend of mine. I know you’ll be blessed reading her story. Enjoy!
My Testimony
I’ll start by sharing the lyrics, “Our God, What an Awesome God He Reigns, From Heaven Above With Wisdom, Power, and Love, Our God is an Awesome God!” This, and many other songs, have been playing through my head on repeat. These songs got me through when I hit rock bottom.
I have always had a problem with anxiety, but when I was put on a new medicine (not for anxiety), it actually worsened it and sent me to a very dark place. This was a place I had never been and don’t ever want to go back to. The devil was in my ear, feeding me lies. He is a master of deceit, and he does not discriminate. 1 Peter 5:8-11 reads, “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all Grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. To him be the power forever and ever. Amen”
Anxiety was eating me alive. I quit eating, and I felt ashamed. All my joy has been stolen. I did my best to take care of myself, but all my energy was spent making sure my son was cared for. I didn’t feel like myself, but rather a tormented prisoner in my own brain. It is scary when you feel like something is completely out of your control. I remember wishing I were a bird so I could fly far away from my problems. Psalm 55:6 says, “I said, Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest.” I felt seen by God when I read this. I knew I wasn’t alone in my struggle.
So, I prayed and asked the Lord for help. I told Him He was free to take this burden as quickly as possible, but it didn’t seem like He was in a rush. I was being faithful and holding strong to His word. I didn’t understand why He didn’t just swoop in and take it all away. Sometimes, our timing isn’t right.
I decided that maybe I needed to seek out some help and get on anxiety medicine. I felt guilty for this because I thought if I had God, I wouldn’t need it. That isn’t always the case, though. I realized that we take medicine for anything else that ails us and thought, Didn’t God also give us this medicine as a resource? We live in a time with so many blessings and resources. We should not be ashamed to utilize them. After all, you wouldn’t tell a person who needs insulin not to take insulin, nor would we tell a person who needs a cane, not to use a cane!
I experienced a full-blown panic attack the night before my appointment to discuss beginning anxiety medication. This was my rock bottom. I remember begging God for peace and rest. I was trembling and couldn’t sleep, and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. The Lord eased my soul right after I asked. My heart beat slowed, and my body calmed. I could finally go to sleep, but I felt like darkness was around me, trying to consume me. There is no other way to explain it, it was darkness, and I was in the fight of my life for my life.
I woke up with worship songs playing in my head. To be clear, this was not simply something I was just humming along to when I woke up. These were songs playing in my dreams! The LORD was giving me strength, even as I slept. Consider Psalms 139:8, “If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.” I learned that there is no depth in my soul that I could ever reach where God is not with me. He was with me at my darkest point. I was never left alone or forsaken.
Two Scriptures really spoke to me. The first was Job 35:10, which reads, “But no one says, Where is God my Maker, who gives songs in the night.” The other verse was Psalm 42:8, which reads, “By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life.”
I felt like the Lord was giving me a big hug when I read these verses. I also felt grateful that my support system was a lot better than Job’s. The Lord gave me my family, especially my dad, to be strong for me when I needed to be weak. He knew I would need them.
After starting the medicine, I still felt like the anxiety was eating me alive. I tried to take every thought captive, remembering 2 Corinthians 10:5, which reads, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” But I still felt like I was failing.
I read Psalm 55:22, “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken,” I tried to cast my cares on Him, but I didn’t really feel successful. The truth is, I didn’t know how to cast my cares on Him. I didn’t understand how to let it go. Weeks passed, and I didn’t think I could take much more. I had asked the Lord multiple times to take this anxiety away from me. I kept feeling deep down that maybe there was a reason He hadn’t yet. Deep in my soul, I believe He was teaching me how to cast my cares and truly let go, fully surrendering to Him.
I never thought it was God’s fault for what was happening to me. It was just the wrong medicine. I knew God was sovereign and would get me through this. He helped me realize I wasn’t at fault, either! He comforted and reminded me who I was in Christ. After some soul searching, I realized there were some things that were bothering me from years ago. I decided to ask for forgiveness and gave them to the Lord. Although this did help me let go of things in the past, I wasn’t 100%. I learned what it was like to fully rely on God with His help. I was reminded that He supplies my joy.
I finally went upstairs to my bedroom and fell to the ground, with my hands lifted high. I poured my soul out to him, tears and all, and begged him to take my burden. I humbled myself before him, and I said, “I need you, Jesus, make in me a pure heart, make in me a pure mind…” over and over again. Psalm 51:10 reads, “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”
All of a sudden, I heard, “You are healed,” and the next day was the best I had had in weeks. I felt deep down that the healing I was receiving wouldn’t be instantaneous, but I know that I am healing.
I admit that later, I began doubting whether what I heard was just me or if it really was God. I felt like I was still missing something, something I hadn’t learned yet. Then, I read a devotional about how to pray. I realized I had been praying with doubt in my mind, with a fear of disappointment, which can hinder God’s blessing. The devotional gave an example of Jesus praying in the garden. He didn’t pray against the Pharisees or Judas when they wronged Him. No, His prayer was focused on the will of God, even in HIS pain!
I think God has been calling me to be patient. So, this season, I choose to be patient, rid myself of doubt, be content with where I am, and try not to be disappointed when things don’t go my way.
So,I encourage you to try to pray without doubt and without worrying that you’ll be disappointed. Pray for His will over your life and put your trust in him. We must remember that healing isn’t always immediate or on our time, but God’s timing is perfect! To God be the Glory!
I want to share this from Lauren Daigle’s song, “I Will Trust In You:”
When You don’t move the mountains
I need You to move
When You don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust
I will trust in You
At the beginning of my struggle, I felt so far away from God, like He was just out of my reach. Even when we feel that way, we need to constantly rely on Him. Because in the moments He feels the farthest, He is actually closer than we could ever imagine. The more we do this, the more our minds will open up and take notice of every little thing He shows us.
Do you remember how I shared that He reminded me of who I was in Christ? One day, I got a newsletter from the radio station K-Love. In it, Levi Lusko shared,
“In Christ, you are the righteousness of God.
You are more than a conqueror.
You are a child of the King.
You are the temple of the Holy Spirit.
You are chosen, forgiven, called, and equipped.
You are seated in heavenly places, and your prayers pull down strongholds.
You are indestructible in the will of God and headed for heaven when you have finished your mission.”
That whole newsletter was about dealing with anxiety and the devil’s lies, and it spotlighted the same song that had been playing in my head, Phil Wickham’s, “What an Awesome God!” How could I deny that God was sending His love all around me, constantly, through every song I heard, every person who supported me, and every detail in my life?
Moving forward, I’m focusing more on my purpose, and have learned that purpose is usually tied to passion. My main mission is to guide my son to Jesus and to give him the tools he needs to face the evil in this world. To know that if he ever feels like he can’t go on, Jesus will carry him. Proverbs 22:6 explains, “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old, they will not turn from it.”
I know God has a great plan for me, and maybe I can help someone who has gone through something similar. He has a great plan for you, too. Trust in him. It only takes a mustard seed of faith, and you can move mountains.
In closing, I want to tell you DO NOT stop speaking the name of Jesus over your life or your family. DO NOT stop calling on his name. If you feel like you have prayed all the prayers you can, and you feel like giving up. Pray again. There are better days ahead! Isaiah 26:3-4 reads, “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD himself is the rock eternal.”
I want to end this with a prayer I’ve learned on surrender. Pray with me:
God, I surrender my life to you. You can have it all: every thought, action, behavior, and desire. I want You to be glorified through me. So here I am, LORD. Take me, use me, send me, change me, clean me, transform me, love me— and love others through me. Take all that I am, and use it for Your glory. In Jesus’ name, Amen. Thank you, Jesus.
-Avery
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