Sometimes we are in seasons of our lives when we don’t really realize what the season is. We tell ourselves it’s spring, when really the snow is still falling. We try to plant things but the ground is still hard. As a gardener who loves the spring, this just makes sense to me. All winter long I seem to pour over seed catalogs. I plan what I’m going to plant where. Some gardeners test the soil and add nutrients and compost before planting time starts. The winter time is a season of great preparation for a gardener. It’s also a time of rest. We feed off of last year’s harvest from our frozen and canned goods. There’s just nothing like a jar of marinara dipping sauce that tastes of fresh tomatoes in the middle of winter to compliment a fresh baked loaf of bread!
Believe it or not I just came out of a really nice, long period of spiritual rest. You probably couldn’t tell it from looking since my house was bopping with all these kids going crazy, but somehow, in the middle of the storm, the Lord gave me the grace to really rest. I didn’t realize how much I needed it. I didn’t realize how much I was depending on myself for things God wanted me to depend on Him for. I didn’t realize how much I thought I had things in place and under control. There’s so much that happens inside of us when we submit to God leading us into and through a season of rest. There’s a great war that goes on all around us when we sit down at the table He’s prepared for us in the presence of our enemy. Rest is a place where God really settles things. He uses rest to open our eyes to see who we really are underneath all of our doing. Sometimes our doings hinder us from seeing how wretched we’ve become! That’s what I experienced this last season. Dark things hidden in our hearts look good from the outside when they’re covered up with good works. But we all know that God isn’t after cleaning up the outside of the cups, but rather the inside. He’s not interested in helping us whitewash our tombs. He’s jealous for our hearts. There’s not room for anything else.
The last couple of weeks have been really hard for my fosters. There are too many factors that really aren’t anyone else’s business as to why these kids are having a hard few weeks, but they are. They’re hurting, they’re confused, they’re loud, they’re mean. They make bad choices, they don’t care about others, and they cry over anything and everything. If we’re really honest with ourselves this is how we feel and act when we’re hurt, when we feel rejected, when we feel alone, when we feel like we can’t control anything… yes, this is how we feel in our hearts when the storm is raging all around us and we can’t enter into that precious rest we’ve so often heard about.
I’ve learned about this rest after being led there by the Holy Spirit in this last season. But the last several weeks it’s felt like war. Something pulled me out of that rest. I believe it was the leading of the Holy Spirit. We know that the Lord led the Israelites into the wilderness. I thought to myself that this must be what the rest was for, now it’s time to battle! And I was ready to hit it head on. But when I tried to “battle” I felt defeated. I still didn’t have control. I was quickly frustrated at doors being slammed. I was irritated at hearing how mean I was because I told someone to take a bath. I was exhausted and going to bed at 9 because I just couldn’t keep my eyes open.
A friend of mine called in the middle of a tantrum last night. We were planning on going to Evansville to run some errands and grab a bite to eat. She was on her way to my house to pick me up. I answered the phone and told her I was just now repeating to myself a scripture that had sprung up in my heart, “He is slow to anger, He is slow to anger, He is slow to anger.” Immediately, because my friend is awesome, she started praying with me and agreeing with me as we were declaring who God was. I found out last night that all of my frustrations when I felt so out of control was God leading me through a test. I found this out because in the middle of the tantrum when I just felt sooooo done…. I told God that I didn’t want any more patience, I wanted my kids to listen and obey me. Yes, those words came out of my mouth. From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. I didn’t even know that was in my heart. From the outside it sure looks good. But God, He sees what we don’t. He knows how to heal what we don’t. He knows how to speak to what we don’t. He sees and knows everything about us. He knows what we need even if it’s not what we want at the moment.
When those words came out I was given a choice. I could either recognize that I was wrong, submit to God’s will for my life, and say yes to Him working even more patience in me or I could wash my tombstone, the outside of my cup, and just pretend that I was okay. The second option is never really an option when you’re in love with God. So I took a deep breath and said, “Lord, I’ve always wanted to be like you. I’ve always said that I want what you want. I don’t want those words to just be lip service. I prayed however hot the fire needs to get… I remember. Make me slow to anger, rich in love. Make me like you.”
I know what my tantrum kid needed. She was ready for that hug in the middle of her tantrum. She was ready to experience love and not just someone who’s going to let her stay in her little self pity fit. She was ready to experience the love of the Father through me and I was ready to let go of my need to feel so in control of everything. I was ready to value our heart connection the way that God values ours. I don’t have the answers to help her with all of her problems, but she’s got counselors and people who love her who are helping her as much as they can. But I have a God who knows what she needs and I have a hug that can calm the greatest storm because the Holy Spirit is present. So I went upstairs and sat on her bed and gave her what I knew she needed. I just held her. And she calmed down. And she said she was sorry. And she really was. And it was time for me to go and she was okay.
It’s just what the Lord knew we both needed in that moment to make us both know Him even more. This is what the Kingdom of God looks like. This is how He fathers us. He could control us if He really wanted to, but it’s so much better this way. So many people are so scared to ask God for more patience because they think they know how patience is worked out; but if we really realized how God moves in our lives to make us more like Him we will quickly realize that the prayer Jesus told us to pray is what we really need. We need to be like Him, we need to love Him. He knows if our hearts need more patience or if we need more self control. He knows what’s in our hearts and He knows what needs to be done to bring His Kingdom to earth, first in us, then in our families, then in our churches, then in our cities, our regions, and our nation.
If you’re reading this to the end maybe you’re feeling like God is speaking to you and you feel that same choice being given to you. You could choose to say yes or no. But if you really love God, the only real choice is obedience to His beautiful, perfect, wise will. Give Him your yes all over again to whatever the question is before you and stand. Stand and proclaim this over your heart, over your home, over your church: As for me and as for my house, we will serve the Lord.
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