It’s been really busy around my house lately. We decided to keep two of the kids we had for an emergency placement. Six kids have me hopping around here. It’s been hard to get in the word. It’s been hard finding time to pray. I’ve been trying to meet everyone’s needs to the best of my ability and just felt like I was coming up short. The Holy Spirit has been so good to meet me where I am and help me. And He knows how much I need Him. And oh, how I need Him!
Last night I was tired. I was wondering if I had what it’s going to take to keep going. I was questioning whether or not I was the best choice for one of these kids. I’ve never questioned myself like this before with my own kids. I knew that God had given them to me and He would provide for everything they would need. It was that faith that gave me the confidence to homeschool. The Lord knew I needed a new level of faith to take on what He’d set before me. I reached out to a friend, another fostering mama for advice. At the root of my questions were these thoughts:
- Do I have what it takes?
- I feel like _____ is going to kill me!
- How can I preserve my family and keep everyone happy?
- I may lose it, Lord.
- Can’t I just have my little house and my little ministry and my little reputation and shine for you without the pain?
Of course I didn’t know those questions were there as I was reaching out. I was just tired. I was frustrated. I needed encouragement. And the Lord used her to minister to me. I’m so thankful for friends. Iron sharpens iron, right?
The answer came in a way that I didn’t expect it to. Yes, I have what it takes. God paved the road for us to be where we are. He spoke to us throughout the whole certification process. He is walking us through each day. We prayed and waited for peace before taking each placement. I might not look like I have what it takes. It might not even be on my radar yet, the things these kids need. But because my Daddy is the King of the Universe, I have what it takes because I have access to the Kingdom. I can go boldly before His throne. And He will meet me there. Yes, I have what it takes.
I feel like _____ is going to kill me! Yes, _____ will kill you. And it will hurt. But it’s not a physical kind of death. It’s a death that is glorious because you’re dying to yourself. Again. And again. And again.
How can I preserve my family and keep everyone happy? Why would I trust in myself to take care of my family, ultimately? I already handed that over to God. At what point did I take that back from Him? And why would I want to keep everyone happy? God wants to kill my flesh, He probably wants to work some things into my kids during this time, too. No, it is not happiness I need to supply, it’s joy that comes from the Father. It’s the joy that comes out of a right relationship with Him, not a happiness that comes from getting new things or getting our own way. It’s God’s job to preserve my family. It’s my job to trust in Him and obey.
I may lose it, Lord… Lose what? My life? It’s not my life to live, anymore. I gave it away. My life is hidden in Christ Jesus. Lose what? My things? Everything I have belongs to the Lord. Lose what? My flesh? Good. Burn it all out, I want nothing but love to remain.
Can’t I just have my little house and my little ministry and my little reputation and shine for you without the pain? No. It’s not my house. It’s not my ministry. It’s not my reputation. And pain is necessary.
So why was I doubting? How did these questions come in? I’m pretty sure it’s because I didn’t steward my time very well. I wasn’t in the word like I should have been. My prayer life had dissipated to one sentence pleas for help as I was hurrying around trying to meet everyone’s needs. The one scripture that I had continued to meditate on throughout the last several weeks was from Matthew 24.
- Because lawlessness is increased, most people’s love will grow cold. -Matthew 24:12
I have seen so much brokenness lately. I have seen too many friends stumble in recent years. I have seen so much and kept wondering, “Dear Lord, why?!” My prayer has been this: “Lord, don’t let me fall. Hold me, keep me steady in You. Don’t let me lean on my own righteousness, teach me to lean on You in all my ways.”
He’s answering that prayer with the knowledge of Him. How can I keep my love for God and others burning hot? Love His law. Love His word.
- The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice. The law of His God is on his heart; his steps do not slip. -Psalm 37:30
- His delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers. -Psalm 1:2
- My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. -Proverbs 2:1-5
This morning I sat down with pen and paper on the front porch as the kids came down in their pajamas. They came out and rode their bikes on the sidewalk as I listened to the Holy Spirit. I wrote down a daily schedule for everyone in the house. Hour by hour. It’s been wonderful. Right now all 5 little ones are snoozing because quiet time started at 2:00. It took them almost an hour to go to sleep, but… I’m not waking them up now! Not only do they thrive in a schedule and a home with more structure and rules, I thrive. I have a whole hour planned for being in the word and praying. I didn’t have that before!
Before we started fostering I recognized that my kids got along really well without a strict hourly schedule. They were used to each other. They knew what was expected of them. But they did try to bend the rules a bit and get by with some things. Since we’ve taken in extras it’s like their worlds are upside down, too. In a good way. They had things hidden in their hearts that weren’t being exposed until the Lord brought us to this. Hard times allow God to use His fire to bring the impurities to the surface. It’s beautiful because we want and need that to happen. We need God to expose those things in our hearts so that we can shine brighter for Him. We want our lives to reflectHim in all that we do. Bringing others into our home was just what was needed.
Our home is a place where we are establishing heaven on earth. And just like the church is a place where we pray for His kingdom to come, we must make the effort to still bring others in so that their lives, too, could be changed for the best. At the end of the day it’s not about fixing everybody, it’s about everybody knowing who the Father is. That’s when real change happens. And we never stop learning about who He is. We never stop gazing and transforming and becoming like Him. For billions of years we will stand amazed at who He is. And it starts here. It starts in my house. It starts in my church. It starts in my community.
- Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching, and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. -Colossians 3:16
How hot is your love temperature? How’s your prayer life? How’s your life in the word of God? Do you have questions in your heart at the root of your insecurities? Won’t you let our Father come in and lead you into all truth? Don’t let your love turn cold. Keep loving. Keep striving. Keep on keeping on and endure till the end. Be an overcomer.
Pray:
- Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. -Matthew 6:9-13
Now get off the internet and get in the word! Listen to the Holy Spirit and let Him schedule your day. It’s better that way, anyway. Trust me!
Write Now! 